I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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