can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
