dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
