The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
