I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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