That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
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I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
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My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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