if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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