Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
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didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
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i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize