Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
