brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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