TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Randomize
