Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Randomize
