I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
