my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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