So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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