my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
