Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
