My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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