it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
