Who wears a wallet chain?!
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
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