I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
