I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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