buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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