Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
