God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
