Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
