Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
