Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
