I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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