Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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