I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Drunk is not a location!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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