wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
