OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize