Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
