I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
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He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
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See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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