I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
