My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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