I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
