I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
