i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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