okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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