There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
