Say something about gay babies.
I need to stop coming to work sober
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
