I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i dont even know how to be here
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
