I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
