Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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