it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
