from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
