i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
