i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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