the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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