things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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