I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
