So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
