i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
