I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
